You’re not alone.

Germaine Copeland’s Deliverance From Depression and Suicide

From The Road That God Walks
By Germaine Copeland

My present surroundings dim as calendar years quickly roll back, and I remember the events of a day in January 1968 when God’s presence permeated my kitchen. I vividly recall the events and emotions of that day, even though it was many years ago.

Our three older children were in school, and after placing the baby in her crib for a nap, I returned to the kitchen to eat lunch in solitude. Outside the skies were overcast; the bleakness of the day match my mood. I continued to linger over my cup of coffee, sitting motionless as many scenes played in my head. Thoughts I wouldn’t dare share with others bombarded and tormented me: Look at you. It’s afternoon, and your work isn’t done. You mother was right. You are lazy!

As the accusations mounted, so did my feelings of condemnation and self-pity. Other women work outside the home and get their housework done. Look at all the unfinished projects you’ve started. You never complete anything! Why don’t you just leave? Everette is a much better parent than you are. Your children would be much better off without you.

The inner turmoil began. Leave my husband and children? The thoughts continue, Where can I go? What can I do?

When Everette and I married, I had expected to live happily ever after. With the birth of each child, I anticipated that I would find the contentment that eluded me. But I did not.

What’s wrong with me, God? Is this all there is to life? Why did You make me so different? You really made a mistake when I was born. If only I had been the one to die young and my baby sister had lived instead. Not only is my life chaotic, but I’m hurting my husband and children. They really would be better off without me.

Failure and Depression

A Never-Ending Cycle

A quick review of my life reassured me that I was indeed thinking rationally. How many enthusiastic attempts to find my niche had resulted only in failure!

Momentarily, I considered the sleeping pills in my medicine cabinet. The thought of consuming them, never to awake, appeared to be the perfect solution for everyone.

Thoughts bumping into one another tormented me as I tried to decide the exact moment to take the pills. My timing had to be
perfect! What would happen if I didn’t die or if someone discovered me too soon? What would my children think?

Jolted by the thought, I realized I couldn’t take my own life, even though I didn’t want to live. I decided to say one more thing to a God I did not like. “I’ve looked for someone who could erase my pain. If You are God, I’m asking You one more time to help me.”

God Intervenes

Suddenly a great Light came into my kitchen, and for the first time ever I believed that the God of the Universe loved me unconditionally. I heard a voice, “Behold old things have passed away and all things have become new.” The wonderous Person moved in and delivered me from depression—a mental disorder that I would later learn to resist and stand against. This was the beginning of my love affair with the Word of God, which became my medicine. As time rolled on, children grew up, my behavior changed, and I no longer screamed, “I hate my behavior! I hate the way I feel. I hate life, I hate me!” I wrote scriptural prayers and prayed them aloud. I did what many call self-talk, even when I felt unloved, weak and said what God said about me. By the grace of God and with the help of the Holy Spirit, I overcame self-rejection, and learned to say, “I am who God says I am. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, etc.